Jeska

Acclaimed A Must Read! The Greatest Goals of My Life

2005-05-01T20:28:31Z

So, these are the greatest goals of my life. I will hopefully do them soon. Hopefully. Soon.

1. Eat enough carrots to turn myself orange. I have been meaning to do this for many years. Probably ever since I saw that episode of the Magic School bus where Arnold turned orange because he ate all the seaweed covered carrots. That zaney Arnold. Oh, how I wish I could turn back time and see that one episode one more time.

2. Sit in a parked car, wearing sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. That one has potential.

3. Page myself over the intercom........... Without disguising my voice.

4.Everytime someone talks to me, ask if they want fries with that. It would just be so annoying. I'm good at that. Perfect .

5. Finish all of my sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy"....yet again, just to be annoying, but......I could sound like Riley! uh oh

6. Skip rather than walk. I think that would be perfect for me....no one expects ME of all people to be skipping. pff.

7. This is a good one, ask people what sex they are, and when they answer, laugh hysterically in their faces..... I don't know if my conscience is small enough to try it on people I don't know....Katharine's is.

8. Specify that my drive-thru order is "to go," because people do that all that time....and i always think their dumb. So why not, eh?

9. Sing along at an opera. I COULD do it at a musical, but it wouldn't be as good. An opera, I wouldn't even have to learn the words, they're not using real words anyways!

10. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

11. Five days in advance, tell my friends I can't attend their party because I'm not in the mood. yessssss

12. When money comes out of the ATM, yell "I WON! I WON! THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!"

These ones are for when I'm older, and probably stuck in a mid life crisis and a crappy office job I landed with a ton of education. I'll need some comic relief.

1. Put my garbage can on the desk and label it "IN"

2. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

3. In the memo field of all my checks, write "for sexual favours"

4. Put mosquito netting around my work area and play a tape of
jungle sounds all day.

5. When leaving the zoo, run out yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY'RE LOOSE!"

And if I ever have the misfortune of having children...

1. Over dinner, tell my children, "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."

A Dream of Cups

2005-05-01T20:27:19Z

I had this dream, right? This old lady had a baby, now I don't know if the baby was hers, because she was kinda old, but then again, she may have just aged badly, poor dear, so i think it was either her grandchild or a baby she found in the dumpster. Either way, she had the baby.

I guess this wasn't one of those omniscient dreams, where you're all knowing, you know the ones.

So she had this baby, and it needed cups.

Cups to drink out of you fool, now get your mind out of the gutter and focus.

There was suddenly a public outcry for cups, they had like those worldvision and PBS things for the baby, like they do for those kids that have flies all over them. It was one of those things, for the price of a cup of coffee, you can get this child a cup...how can you sit there and drink your coffee when there is a child that needs CUPS?!?

Well, needless to say, the worldy outcry had charitable results, and it really made me feel good, to see all these people donating their valuable cups, and money to buy cups. And they weren't just any cups...OH NO! only the BEST for the babies in my dreams. That baby got cups once used by Elvis, and one woman claimed that the cup she was donating had once held Gandhi's sperm when he donated semen to men with erectile difficulties while her grandmother was a nurse in the clinic. I didn't believe HER story. But they also couldn't really accept her cup, because it had semen in it. ew. But she still wanted to donate, so she went home and got a regular cup.

People donating so much to one little baby made me realise that there really is good in the world.

Then I woke up.

Needless to say, I woke up with a sore back.

Because my mattress is broken.

And I slept on the floor.

I wouldn't recommend it.

At all.

Stupid Wannabe

2005-04-10T22:14:23Z

So me and my boyfriend are walking down this fairly busy street, right? We see these people on the other side. Two guys and a girl. We know the two guys; very, erm, punkin..a bit slow, don't really like them, but we didnt have to stop for long.

We didnt know the girl though. She was dressed all in black, nothing wrong there, just being descriptive for your benefit, and she seemed kinda....forced gloomy...YOUR ALLOWED TO SMILE KID. Well they're looking both ways to cross the street. The girl squares her shoulders, i knew what she was going to do before she did it. She walks, as calmly as she can force herself, in front of a moving car. When she gets to our side of the road, she shrugs her shoulders and says "Cars have brakes."

Yeah, you dyke, cars have FAULTY brakes as well. Cars can also have drivers that know the laws that jay walking is illegal and they very well may be able to get away with RUNNING YOU OVER FULL SPEED. gah. trying to be cool for our benefit. She could have been cool if she hadn't done that. People like her make other people look at me as if im her. What a selfish bitch.
Sure you walk in front of a car by accident, and either get the shit scared out of you, or try and laugh it off with your friends, or both, but she did it deliberately. And that sucks. what a loser. I could go on for ages about how much i hate that...but i wont.

William Bloat

2005-04-10T22:09:51Z

An Amusing Poem

In a mean abode in the shanking road lived a man named William Bloat.
Now he had a wife, the plague of his life, continually got on his goat.
And one day at dawn, with her nightshift on, he slit her bloody throat.